Jerry Collins - what a top bloke

Hello everyone, sorry for my absence but have been very busy with non-rugby stuff recently. In the meantime, I hope you all saw the story about Jerry Collins playing for Barnstaple seconds!

Apparently the hard hitting Maori with the pint of Guinness hairdo has been holidaying in North Devon after the World Cup (personally I would have gone for the Caribbean everytime but each to their own, maybe the guy likes cold drizzle coming from Wellington?). Anyway, the upshot of this holiday was that he was spotted by members from Barnstaple RFC and invited to come along to a training session. Which he did.

Then, he was cheekily invited to join the 2nd XV in a game against Newton Abbot, and he took up the invitation, went out and bought some boots, played in the game without killing anyone, and stood a round in the bar! A bonafide rugby hero.

But just imagine how pissed off the 1st XV captain was that league registration rules prevented him playing for Barnstaple's top team!

Also, what must the lads at Newton Abbot have thought when he ran out: "That joker thinks he's Jerry Collins. Ha ha! Bloody hell, it is him - we're doomed"

To put the cherry on the icing of this special hero worship, Jerry then turned out for the Barbarians against South Africa wearing Barnstaple socks. Top man again!

More bloody silly shirts

Just when you think the the World Cup was the nadir of bad shirt day on a rugby field, the Heineken Cup comes along.

Look at these monsters!

Toulouse are now playing in a pastel pink with grey socks and shorts. Treviso switched to Barbie pink. And the great gleaming turd among the sorry bunch is the new Stade Francais strip in diarrhoea brown with pink flowers.

I tell you now, Stade will win nothing in this strip. How can their pack eye each other before the game and reckon yes we're up for this. More likely they'll be saying "Zut alors, do I look as much of a sorry dickhead in this kit as Remy?" Not a positive mindset for playing Bristol in the lashing rain, and so it transpired.

Once again, we, the true rugby fan should point our fingers at the marketing chimps and say: "No more". And for god's sake don't buy the kit. Don't traditional colours count for anything any more.

Brian the Blessed or Coco the Clown?

Well he certainly isn't Andy Robinson and for that we should all be grateful.

How much is down to the coach and how much the players?

Well, if we look back at Brian's tenure to date, he had a good 6 Nations. The defeats against Ireland and Wales were not coaching errors, just a lack of essential fire from the players.

The tour to South Africa was an RFU cock-up, but it meant that we did not really establish a squad of 30 before the summer. The summer training did not seem to help much either. In the warm-ups we stuffed Wales 3rd XV, should have beaten France at home and then lost our way badly in Marseille - was that Brian's fault or the players'? Probably the latter.

By all accounts, Brain likes to encourage the players to be self reliant. Some, like Dayglo, are suggesting he doesn't give enough direction. Well, if he persuaded the team to start to perform, to be accountable for their actions, then you can't argue against the results he has achieved in his last 5 games.

Now is not the time to chuck him out. I don't doubt that there should be an overall Manager appointed above or alongside him. Also, the assistant coaches are not his choices. Let him pick the guys he wants to work with. Personally, I have doubts about John Wells (too fond of Donkey Cozza?) and Mike Ford (what no blitz?), although I would hate to see Wasps lose Sean Edwards.

Jake White has let it be known that he would love the job. Can he wait until the summer? Let's see how Brain does in the 6 nations then decide. Our target must be to win it, and lose no more than one match or Brian gets it.

Still, when have those buggers at the RFU ever listened to reason?

Final Retrospective - was it a try?

Actually, I think this is the wrong question. It's more a case of "Why wasn't it a try?" We need to remember that the ref should only ask the TMO to consider if "there is any reason I cannot award the try?"

If the TMO - that self serving bastard Stuart Dickenson again unfortunately - believes he can see that the scorer definitely had any part of his body on or over the touchline, then its not a try.

From my point of view, nothing was definite. The left boot kicked up a clod of turf inside the line and you could not see clearly whether it was boot or sod touching the line. In which case, the beneft of any doubt should reside with the attacking side.

Again, I have no doubt that TMO Dickenson was, and still is, convinced that Cueto had a foot on the line. This is after all, the same official who insisted that Simon Shaw was sent off against NZ three years ago for kneeling on Keith Robinson (who was blocking the release by the way).

So that's it then, no try, but still 37 minutes left to win the game. We didn't, we had enough ball, but never again broke down their defence and so lost. Did the decision change the game?

Yes and no. In fact, the game carried on until the end exactly how it had started. Two closely matched teams, limited game plans from both, hard unflinching defence all round and total commitment. Had the try been awarded, would South Africa have been tempted to pass more and kick less? I doubt it.

In the end, England gave away more penalties in our own half, that is why we lost. I could blame the ref, but won't. We didn't seem to get a fair crack with most decisions going against us, but sometimes this happens, I don't believe it was deliberate, however galling and crucial.

Let's face it, the South Africans were a better team. They cleaned out our line out and were able to work the ref to cloak their problems with the scrum. And Percy kicked better than Jonny. Victor Matfield was the deserved Man of the Match, it was he who got back to tackle Tait short of the line when he had beaten all of the Bok back three.

Let's move on, be proud that we stood our ground and fought hard to cling on the trophy, however limited our ability, we were a team. It feels good once again to be an English rugby fan, rather than a Kiwi (choke!) or Wobbly (Australian manhood - ha!). And who would have thought that when we lost 36 - 0 in the pool stages.

England is the Rugby Millwall

Everybody hates us but we don't care!

I can exclusively reveal the match tactics from the Blessed Brian:

"Let's give it a lash, get stuck in and see what happens."

"And when we win, let's maintain our dignity, composure and modesty. And then get properly shitbagged!"

Come on boys, stuff it up those arrogant Bok Bastards!

Frogs legless - Argies miserable

This was the moment when England finally smothered the French resistance. Worzle tap tackling Vincent Clerc to snuff out what looked like the winning score.

After that, it was all England for the last 5 minutes with Jonny calmly slotting a penalty and a crucial drop goal to edge in front by 5 points.

The drop was crucial because it meant we could defend without the fear of giving away a penalty, but the Frogs were clueless in attack and the game was ours!

Brilliant stuff. Did you see Le gyppo crying? Marvellous.

In the other semi, the Argies managed to play all the rugby in the first half and yet cough up 3 tries to the Boks. Maybe they were knackered after 5 weeks of knockout rugby, yet even the best Argy players looked second rate. Shame, as this South African team is not as great as their big headed fans would have us believe.

Still, its game on for the final. I am off to France too, sadly not to Paris, but to the Riviera - crappy timing on my part. For which I will have to endure the French TV commentary, or turn the sound down and put the radio on. Either way you can't miss it.

Are the All Blacks the Best Drinkers?

Well far be it for me to comment on Dougie Howlett's arrest earlier this week, other than to say it has been a great week to be an Englishman.

I loved the way he declared an act of boozed up vandalism as "Tomfoolery", its the sort of understatement rugby is famous for. Like Bill MacLaren declaring an all-in toe-to-toe punch up as a bit of shenanigans.

However, the Hooker has been digging this week and can exclusively reveal the reasons behind this incident....

Howlett was thoroughly and absolutely pissed.

He was part of a group of 25 people, including 6 All Blacks who ran up a bar bill of £12,500 during the evening.

Now I know the Heathrow Hilton, I have been stung there for food and drinks myself. But that is still a seriously impressive bill. It works out at £500 each, which at £5 for a half of Steinlager, is 100 halves, or if they were men, 50 pints each. Assuming that some of them were ladies, or women at the very least, it only makes the total all the more impressive.

I can understand the need to drink to forget, but were these thirsty Kiwis trying to obliterate everything about the last month? Or were they on bottles of Krug and Crystal Champers? And if so, why? What on earth did they have to celebrate?

Also, who picked up the tab? Going on the strength (or weakness) of the Kiwi dollar (especially after last weekend) I find it hard to believe the players coughed up, so it was probably sponsors or wealthy fans/wannabees. Fleet Street needs to find out.

Mind you, the best bit is that dodgy Doug (hairbands on a rugby pitch!!) is going to go pretty pale when he sees the bills to repair the cars. I understand mechanics in NZ are plentiful, cheap and good. Almost the exact opposite then of an English insurance claim then. He may well be landed with a bill close to the tab for drinks! Cheers! Hic!

A letter to the Blazer in Chief - IRB

Dear Syd,

First of all, congratulations on what has been a month long party and rugby piss-up. To think some unkind souls said you couldn't even organise one in a brewery.

However, there are many rugby fans who would like you to take these thoughts into the next executive meeting:

1. Keep the tournament at 20 teams. We like the minnows and they have done alright. Who has the right to say no to Georgia when they should have beaten the Paddies.

2. You have to get the SANZAR protectionists to include Argentina next summer and create a Quad-Nations tournament. The Argies are definitely good enough and it will encourage all of the other nations outside the original 8 member countries.

3. If SANZAR bleat about TV rights, threaten them with the following:
a) Tell NZ you are moving the next cup to Japan.
b) Tell South Africa they have to pick a side that represents the Nation, i.e. 80% Black, 20% white and with Indian management.
c) Tell Australia you are replacing all line-outs with scrums.
That should do it.

4. The Super 14 must be expanded to include the three Polynesian countries - Fiji, Sarrmower and Tonga as separate teams. It is shameful that Australia and NZ have colluded to cherry pick from the islands while doing everything in their power to prevent the establishment of a professional game in the South Pacific. Its your job to fix it. Do it.

5. Can New Zealand really host the next RWC? Do they have enough of an infrastructure? Are there more than 20 hotels in the whole country to house 20 teams, media and thousands of fans? Tell them they need more hotels or the whole lot moves to Japan, pronto.

6. You must never let the party atmosphere be diluted by having the tournament in more than one country. France playing in Cardiff was ridiculous, as was letting Wales and Scotland play their big pool matches at home.

7. The remit of the IRB is to promote, foster, develop and extend the game around the globe. So surely it is time to change the make up of the IRB Council. Why should Italy and Argentina have only one council representative, while Ireland and Australia have 2 each (as do the rest of the original 8). Rugby should not be a closed shop, one member per country, with more added please.

8. Do not mess with the scrummage. It is a vital part of the game, regardless of the constant bleating in Sydney. So no law changes please, unless you want to see a quarter of the forwards leaving the game for ever. You don't need real props if you don't have proper scrums - see Rugby League for details, and we all know how much of a minority sport that is.

9. Lastly, I have seen on your website how many administrative staff you have added off the radar in Dublin . [Go to www.irb.com, then "about irb", then "irb staff" for the full jaw dropping details.] Jeezus Syd, have you done a head count recently? How many shirts and tackle bags in Romania, Georgia, Samoa, Chile etc. can you buy for the annual payroll. Get a grip man and wield that axe.

I thank you for your attention and remain,

Yours sincerely,

Hampshire Hooker

P.S. Any chance of a ticket for Saturday, anywhere with a view will do, not fussy.

Click here to watch England v France in Paris

We should not get too drawn up in the euphoria of last weekend's victory. However, there is a history of France having a big win and then failing to turn up the next week (see RWC99).

Also, England played in Paris against the French and won well in RWC91. Click on the headline above for the link. Like me, no doubt you will enjoy seeing the English 8 ensure every stud makes its mark on Blanco, and also "The Tackle".

Don't watch the rest as you won't want to be reminded about the final.

The Arrogant to play the Complacent

Well another couple of cracking matches today saw South Africa overcome Fiji, but not without a huge scare - while Argentina saw off Scotland without finding 3rd Gear and yet could have lost in the last two minutes.

What is it about the underdogs in this World Cup? The refusal to lie down and take a beating has been a feature of the whole tournament and the quarter finals in particular.

Did anyone predict the semi-final line up? Not me, I freely admit I was looking for a bookmaker to take a bet on the 4 big Southern Hemisphere nations contesting the Semis - and thank god I couldn't find a bookie to take the bet.

It is a popular fallacy that the English are really arrogant, but has anyone listened to the Boks recently? They really are unpleasant. Apparently the centre Jaque Fourie said the team did not respect Fiji and expected to win easily.

Well, but for a terrific cover tackle from a coloured player (which we all know hurts many Bok fans) they would have joined the Kiwis and the convicts on the plane south. I know they scored twice afterwards, but the tackle in-goal was the turning point. But a big hand to the Fijians, for getting both Wales and South Africa to be drawn into a big game of sevens , and we all know who is the best at that game.

And I was disappointed with the Argies tonight too. Lets not kid ourselves, they are a very good side and they can win the tournament. In fact any of the remaining 4 now could and might win. But the Argies let themselves down with a limited game plan. As the offloading between their forwards shows, they are better than just relying on a strong kicking and pressing game.

As for the sweaties, well they made way to many mistakes to deserve anything from the game, but they did come close, battering away 5 metres out with 2 mins left on the clock. They didn't look like scoring but you never know, a little more precision and they could have sneaked it.

So roll on next week. After Saturday, I am too shy to make any more predictions, but wouldn't it be great for the South Africans to get a bloody nose from the Argies and go out. It would be one in the eye for the Tri-Nations for refusing the Argies to join in their party.

You won't win anything playing in Grey!

When will they ever learn?

The kit manufacturers I mean.

England football team in Euro 96.

Bayern Munich v Man Utd in the Champions League 99.

London Wasps v Edinburgh Heineken Cup 2005.

And the latest screw up, New Zealand All Blacks (ha!) v France RWC 07.

All lost, all wore grey.

Its rubbish isnt it. It doesn't feature on any national flag. It isn't even a colour for God's sake.

Was it all a master stroke by those cunning Frogs to unsettle New Zealand? Did Nike really change the colour from Bleu to Marin in order to create a colour clash? Did those 15 NZ players look merely mortal playing in a colour that wasn't black, or not even a colour? Perhaps, yes. Bloody clever and a worthy new entrant in the pantheon of Rugby Dirty Tricks.

Will France switch back to their true bleu for England next week? Would be hilarious if they did, job done!

Mon Dieu! Four more years of Hurt!

I can hardly believe it! What another tight finish and a hell of a game.

Another victory for the Northern Hemishpere and yet again no World Cup for the Kiwis.

Are they the best at peaking between cups? Certainly they have been on the wane since they crushed the Lions two years ago, but they were deserved favourites before the tournament.

Did they choke? Well perhaps yes. They certainly did not have their cut and thrust in midfield, where they have never adequately replaced Umaga, and when the game was at its tightest, who were their half backs? Leonard and Evans, not exactly the most experienced pair to call upon in a crisis.

But surely this is a night for celebration. France defended magnificently. After their second try, they defended 28 phases of possession and then won a turnover. A huge fillip for them and their ENGLISH defence coach. NZ had 70% of the possession and lost!

And the Frog bench won it for them too. In Harryordinary, Le Gyppo and the Gay Blade Michalak, France had match winners to lift them in the second half. The last try in particular was a belter.

So its the old enmity next week in Paris. England v France. Can't wait. England will once again be the underdogs, but will fancy their chances against a team who they made look pretty ordinary in March and should have beaten in August. France are back to being favourites at home - can they handle it? We shall see.

Bu perhaps sweetest of all, all the one-eyed crowing from the Land of the Long White Sheep has been found to be premature. Is there a Kiwi who still has his World Cup Winners T shirt? Does it still fit? Is it still black? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .............

Dive! Dive! Dive!

What a game, what a result. The old ticker was deep into the red in the last ten minutes. But what a performance from the white pack.

As for the Aussies, all the pre-match hoopla and utterances were just so much smoke. When push came to shove, they bottled it and dropped it - every time.

Not since the German U-Boat manoeuvres in 1941 has Marseilles seen such repeated diving as that of the Wobblies front row this afternoon. For a minute I thought the ref was going to go the whole match getting smoke blown up his arse, but after 20 mins he seemed to have an epiphany and saw the truth and light. I would like to think he remembered the justifiable disgust and pillory of referee Andre Watson after the last RWC final. Or maybe he worked it out by himself, England had the drive, they didn't need or want to drop it.

And any game where the loose head is the Man of the Match can't be too bad. I know England didn't score a try, but it wasn't for the want of trying. A little more patience and we would have been in.

Had Australia won the game it would have been as fine an example of burglary as any in their nation's history.

Right, time for a few throat charmers, my voice needs it after a couple of hours screaming at the TV. What price an England v France semi now?

Getting your whingeing in early!

I have heard it all now.

The Australians have turned their back on their history and switched to complaining about English roughhouse tactics before the match has even started. Now I must have been watching a different competition to these sensitive souls in the Aussie pack, but I have not seen anything approaching violent play from the English in this tournament.

Indeed, some of us would have been grateful for just a hint of that against the South Africans. So what is behind the convicts' whining?

I think we all know. They are genuinely worried in case the English 8 do a number on them like they did 2 years ago at Twickenham. They hope that if they start complaining early, that when push comes to bloody great shove in the match and the scrum collapses, they can shout about "dark tactics" and hide behind the ref's skirts.

Much as I would really love to see the game pan out this way, I think the Wobblies are worrying unnecessarily. I agree with them that the Blessed Brian has picked a pack to do a certain job, its just that I think the target will have moved on before our boys get there, puffing and blowing from the last breakdown.

The problem is our back row is too slow to stop Gorgeous George Smith. He will have swooped and dug out the ball before Cozza and Easter are 5 metres from the contact area. We needed Rees and Moody working in tandem to have a chance. Of course Rees was bullied off the ball against the Boks, he was the only one there!

Also, if we wanted our strongest scrum out to press the Golden Girls, why have we taken Stevens off? Even those outside the front row can see he is a better scrummager than Vickery. Much as I hate to say it, we looked doomed.

No doubt the Wobbly scrum will creak and collapse repeatedly, and as usual, the ref will let them get away with it and find spurious reasons for penalising England (remember the last RWC final?). So don't expect too much tomorrow. God it would be great, but just how much possession do we need to secure to outscore Mortlock and his mates. More than 75%?

Wales out, Scotland scrape in, Ireland gone

Such fun this weekend.

After the Taffybus crashed into the palm tree on Saturday afternoon, England fans faced the hilarious thought of the other home nations failing to make it to the Quarters at all.

Unfortunately, in possibly the poorest match of the tournament so far, the Sweaties had a better kicker and beat the Italians in the rain. But they could have won by more if they had actually tried plan B. Never mind.

Meanwhile, to qualify, the Paddies had to beat Argentina, score 4 tries, and win by more than 7 points. So nothing at all achieved there then. Much like this golden generation altogether.

And back to Wales. Is it the anthem? Why do they fail to turn up in the first half? Why did they think a fast and loose game was the way to beat Fiji of all people? Very strange. But I am sure all true rugby men will feel sorry for Gareth Jenkins. He has been sacked already (if only the players were as quick off the mark) and no doubt is currently being fitted up for the scapegoat costume back in Cardiff. I suspect something is wrong in this camp too, perhaps the captain has been sowing sedition again (ask Mike Ruddock for details). Quite why a plank like Thomas can ever be seen as a role-model is beyond me. Mind you, perhaps he fits the Welsh image of themselves: - covered in crappy tattoos; toothless; dense and always up for a fight. Tidy!

We have all heard much about the goings on in Camp Paddy these last weeks, my spies in Dublin have been active and I hope to post the full unexpurgated version in the next 24 hours. Just so long as BOD pops into Kitty O'Shea's tonight. Check back soon.

England through for rematch against convicts

Well that wasn't as bad as many of us feared! Our thanks to the Sackster for 2 very smartly taken tries which pulled England clear when we looked like making heavy weather of the whole match.

The backline also looked better this time - at least it did once Barkley went off. Nothing against the Bath man, he has looked alright as Jonny's stand-in at stand-off, but with Tait alongside its too featherlight in the centre. And the choice between the two is a no-contest, see Tait's try for details. So expect to see Faz in there for the Aussies, perhaps as the biff to match Mortlock.

Elsewhere the back row is not right yet as the Hooker predicted. Mongo did his usual headless stuff, charging about and was effective at the breakdown. It would be fun to see him in tandem with Rees, and I think we will need both against George Smith this weekend. I would leave Easter in, he may just be improving after all, and drop Cozza.

Mind you, my name isn't John Wells.

As for the front 5, if we are to have any chance against the Governor's Prison XV, we shall have to bring back Shaw for more biff, retain Stevens for his better scrummaging and go at the Aussies hard in the scrum. I shall preview the game later in the week, but you heard it here first.

More stupid shirts

My god you do despair at the stupidity of this sport's administrators don't you.

The whole world was scratching their heads in disbelief at how both sides can be allowed to take the pitch in close to identical colours. Have these people ever played the game for heaven's sake? Seeing your team mate out of the corner of your eye and acting accordingly is a big part of the game. Glance at this picture and you do not know who is who!

The NZ players were clearly a little confused with a number of passes going to the wrong man, and has the poor old ref been allowed to comment on this cock-up! How could he tell who was offending in a ruck? The shorts and socks were practically the same colour too, so no help there either!

Once again another admin balls-up - thank you IRB. I wait in vain for the announcement of the blazer responsible being sacked.

On another note, the Frogs dark blue kit was apparently designed so that when they play NZ in the final, the ABs would have to change to the grey. A cunning plan totally screwed by the fact that they are now going to meet in the Quarters, in Cardiff! So who is the home team then? Will it be NZ as a pool winner? I think we should be told. Well done all at Nike. And a team in grey has never won anything of note either.

England improve, Ireland out (almost)

Well, who would have thought it? I have just calmed down from a great weekend's action. And the rugby was pretty good too!

What a change from a week ago.

England didn't play too badly against a useful Sarr-mower side, scoring 4 well worked tries, some of which included beating people by running into space, using a sidestep and pure pace. Thank you Paul Sackey for having all 3 in your second try, and are you taking notes Josh Lewsey.

Yes there was that period in the second half where we lost shape a bit, doing these interminable shuffling pick and drives with no speed of thought or deed. Also, at the same time, what the hell happened to our kicking game. When Ben Kay was taking all the line-outs, there was no need to worry about clearing to touch, yet instead we had everyone kicking aimlessly downfield and waiting for the Sarrmoans to run it back, something they do rather well.

While on Friday night against the Frogs, Ireland were just clueless behind the scrum. This is a backline who would have walked onto a Lions tour this year, and have been together for at least 4 years. Did they have a single line break? Can't remember one, except when the pitch opened up ahead of Trimble and he inexplicably turned left into traffic. Doh!

Did anyone else enjoy the delightful irony in South Africa almost screwing it up against Tonga (and never mind that it would have made life harder for England!). Arrogance and Bok rugby are never too far apart, but what joy that even clearing the bench of your first team left them hanging on. If that final kick had just bounced straight...

They announce the team for Friday today. Will England restore Vickery? Hope not. Will they drop Corry, move Worzle to 6 and bring in Rees? Doubt it. Donkey Cozza is clearly a favourite of Wells, even if the whole world can see he is TOO SLOW.

Yes but is it sport?

I don't mean to belittle the smaller rugby nations, I loved seeing the Portuguese out there, particularly the fat prop with the long hair - like Nadia before the operation.
But the trouble is, these matches aren't really sport if we all know the result beforehand. Did anybody stay in to watch the All Blacks whip the Portos? No, nor me. Places to go people to see etc., same with Wales v. Japan tonight. Its not tempting enough to incurr the wrath of the Memsahib by turning over Eastenders, not when you need to keep your powder dry for France v Paddies tomorrow.
Does anyone out there think Japan have a chance and Wales won't win by at least 40 points? Thought not. I mean, we all want the little guys to do well if its not our team they are playing. We all cheered on the Georgians as they rumbled so slowly to the Irish line but ultimately, they didn't win and a magic moment was lost. Shame, as I so wanted to hear Cheerleader O'Sullivan talk that one up.
Anyway, nearly done now and the quarter finals are only a fortnight away. Before that, we have any number of top matches to choose from. I am most looking forward to France v Ireland. Allez les Bleus! And we still have two more England matches to sit through, gulp!
I'm off to get more beer in and a large box of Neurofen.

England no longer expects

Speaking to fellow Englishmen during the last week, there is clearly a consensus among the fans. None of us think we have a chance to win. We know we are going to go out before the final, as I suspect, do the players.
We just want to see our side play with a combination of fight up front and some verve behind.
We would rather that we had a good go at Samoa and Tonga and played some attractive rugby, and lost one of the games and went home - than shuffled to two halting victories, qualified for the next round and got stuffed by Australia.
Because the simple fact is, we are not scoring enough points to worry a top 6 side. Our back play has descended to such a low, we could not convert a 4 on 2 overlap, assuming that is we were skilful enough to create one in the first place.
The side Brian Ashton (and try and remember that this is the doyen of coaching attacking rugby) has taken to France looks short of skill and pace, and yet maybe, in his latest team, St Brian has found a set of backs who will at least give it a bit of a lash.
I know he has moved Lewsey to full back, but I suspect that is so the wingers selected will at least head for the wide open spaces, rather than into the nearest contact like Josh does. Has he become Samoan? Is he suffering from small man complex (he is only 5' 8") and trying to show he can be as hard as anyone? The annoying thing is he has good defence and some talent, and if he could be persuaded to run for the gap instead of the man, his pace and low centre of gravity may well see him through.
The front 5 is probably the best we have got, so no squabbles there, but the back row, Good God Terence! Does anybody other than the coaching staff really think they are either the best 3 players we have or in their correct positions?
Worzle is a hard tackling 6, and that's it. Corry is a 5 and half. Not tall enough for the second row and too slow for the back row. He should never have gone to France at all. I know he will take the ball up into contact all day, but so what - where does that ever get us? 61% possession and no points against the Boks. And Easter is simply a good Premiership player who to date, has failed to make the jump to Test matches.
What this back row lacks is pace, balance and a genuine openside. And as the match is not due to be played in Bath during February, but against a South Pacific side on a firm pitch under a warm sun, that seems a near criminal omission from the coaching staff - John Wells in particular. I know Rees was strangely anonymous against the Boks, but this highlights the original selection problems of picking too many Leicester players and not 2 opensides.
Still, let us live in hope that England will at least score some tries and play with more cut and thrust behind the scrum. As for a result, since we can't win the tournament, does it matter?

France show up - Ireland happy with same old crap

Like a well meaning but muddle-headed uncle, France turned up last night a week late for their own party. They duly blitzed Namibia by more than a point a minute and may have settled their nerves ready for next week's crucial decider against Ireland.
Meanwhile, over in Camp Paddy, those sphincters are tightening again after their England-like performance against Georgia.
It is fascinating to compare the contrasting styles of the management at the moment. England have gone for the sackcloth and ashes look, beating themselves liberally with birch twigs and admitting that they don't have any "world class" players and are playing at a standard below the sum of their parts.
Meanwhile, in Camp Paddy all is sweetness and light. Cheerleader General, Eddie O'Sullivan is proud of the heart and fight his boys showed against Georgia in holding on to win by 4 points. This is the same head coach who was handed a new 4 year contract before he set foot in France - something about having the celebration before sitting the exam springs to mind here. Still, rugby fans the world over will be sorry Eddie has decided to drop the pocket corpse, Peter Stringer. For years wee Peter has entertained us with his Barnes Wallis pass, dazzling sidestep (ha!) and cheery face like an Undertaker's coffin polisher.
Both teams face possible elimination this coming weekend - which will be the better philosophy? Grim reaper or blind optimist?

Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics

Just when you think things can't get any worse, a match like that comes along.

We were told that the English team were "up for the fight". Er, no. Not on last night's evidence.
I will get onto the technical deficiencies in a bit, but first of all, where was the fight, the muscle, the backyard dog attitude? Nowhere to be seen.

For the 3rd time in a year, (Croke Park, Cardiff and now Paris) this team has been bullied from the start. It's a national disgrace, and the coaching staff and in particular Wells and Ashton need to look at themselves and ask "How can this be?" I could bear the indignity of the 2nd half in Marseilles because we were agressive, albeit stupid. But last night was shameful - just shameful.

My deepest sympathies to the thousands of fans who put their hands in their pockets and shelled out for tickets. You were robbed by the RFU, who should offer them all a refund, or at the very least apologise. but don't hold your breath.

So that was the frst lie. that England were up for the fight.

The second lie and more damnable one will be when someone in the RFU (Francis Baron perhaps) points the finger at the clubs for the blame for England's collapse - and they will, just wait. Utter balls, the finalists from the Heineken Cup, Europe's premier club competition were? Leicester and Wasps. And the Wasps, who won by the way Mr Baron, had 13 Englishmen, and just one Irishman and the French captain in their starting XV. And just who organised the tour of South Africa to clash with the H Cup Final? It wasn't the clubs.

Statistics also lie, yet there is a worrying trend among coaches and some analysts to suggest that statistics can tell us something about a game. Just for the record look at this....
England had more possession 61%; more territory 62%; missed fewer tackles, 7 against 11; beat more defenders, 10 to 8; kicked less, 33 times to 44; forced SA to make almost twice as many tackles, 97 to 51; made more carries, 93 to 50; more offloads, 14 against 6; and looking just at the stats, should have won the game.

RUBBISH! We were second best from the start , never looked like scoring and were lucky to get Nil. When your scrum half takes a precious bit of turnover ball, swivels and kicks it directly into touch, you know the decision making is woeful. Similarly, when the 2nd row has a 2 against 2 twenty yards out, with his winger outside him and goes for the chip kick through. (How can he even think of that? Do they practice this at Leicester? I think not) These are things which should have been coached out of 13 year olds, never mind professional international players. Its scandalous.

Still, roll on Samoa next week - or as they must now be called - Sarr Mower.

Car crash TV?

Blimey. The hour approaches. I well remember how I felt at this stage in the last tournament. Nervous, but confident that our team would find a way. Now I feel they could be 20pts up at half time and still lose.
I live in hope but I dont think Paris is due a monsoon this evening, playing into the hands of our big slow pack and 9 man game.
Someone once said that the key to happiness is managing to balance your expectations with the inevitable disappointments in life.
So, in that positive light, I expect England to lose by 20 points, so less will be a bonus.
Oh and this picture cheers me up.

Faz is a girl?!!!

No, I don't believe it either. England's pre-tournament selection comes under the microscope as St Olly also falls to the injury gremlins. Can this tournament get any worse for England fans? Quite possibly as we are compelled to watch it in all its gloomy misery.
So Faz is now the great white hope at stand off. Actually, make that the bloody great big hope. The man is a good size for a back, but for a fly half, positively leviathan.
As to the other changes, bringing in Sackey for Cueto could be good, but will he ever see the ball? Will it get past our centres this time?
In the pack, I can see why Lawrence was dropped, he was anonymous against the USA, but surely this is the tight (we hope) game where you need his experience. But dropping Worzle for Corry. Doomed. Poor old Donkey Cozza just does not have the pace for 6, and Worsley can at least tackle. Once again, Haskell's omission from the original squad stands out. Here's hoping he gets the call in time for the quarters. (See I can be optimistic.)
Still, I am off out to see if a good meal and a few too many large drinks will brighten the gloom before Friday. I can but hope (hic!).

Vickery trips up!

God, does the humiliation get any worse. Not for the rest of the world, they never tire of seeing England shame-faced, which is surely what this furore over Vickery's trip is all about.
Mark you, setting our paranoia aside for a moment, what a complete and utter plank. He now faces a ban of anything from one match to 30 days. The latter would almost certainly rule him out of the tournament as I can't see England getting past the quarters, IF we beat Samoa + Tonga.
But before the whole world jumps on the England bashing bandwagon, let's just examine the crime. Centre runs inside prop, prop trips him up, prop should be yellow or red carded depending upon the position of the game - a penalty try and a yellow card would have been the right medicine here. This is not an unheard of crime in rugby circles and hardly the grotesque foul play some people are making it out to be. Are the IRB over-compensating for weak refereeing?
On a more positive note, I expect our scrum to now be stronger with the addition of Matt Stevens who also likes a rumble with the ball. To be honest, big Phil has not been justifying his place in the side as a player, and we cannot see any evidence of inspirational captaincy either. Not so much of the "Raging Bull", and rather too much like Daisy the Cow for my liking.

P.S. Have just looked at the picture again, and it all comes clear to me now. His tripping leg is wearing a Welsh sock! That explains everything.

Worse shirts than ours?

Can it be true? Do my eyes deceive me, but did anyone else think the Welsh looked worse in their second strip than England did in their red number?
Which marketing pillock thought that grey would be a good choice for a rugby strip? Bound to be a girl or a poof. And how did it get past the endless committees in Cardiff? Poor Charvis looks like something out of Fame in schoolboy grey: "If I score two tries, Coach Jenkins said I could go to ballet classes tomorrow!"
I find it truly unbelievable that the old farts at the SRU, WRU and RFU can allow their hallowed national teams to go out in the shirts they have got. Don't forget these are old men who only ever wear navy blazers, grey trousers, white M+S shirt and egg stained union tie. How can they of all people sanction these multi-coloured monstrosities?
Do the marketing types from Nike and Reebok arrange meetings after an astonishingly good lunch? Are they so bamboozled by the bullshit about the fabric wicking away sweat and allowing the player to breathe (through his armpit?) that they fail to notice the colours at all? Simply baffling.
Worst of all, I saw some England fans wearing the new kit to the game on Saturday, even one or two in the red one! Have these guys no shame. Its tough enough being an England fan these days without making a dick of yourself in these shirts.
By the way, in today's matches the Sweaties won, Wales won well after a scare and Ireland could be the new England - that's how bad they were.

Let down in Lens

Well that was a complete load of cack wasn't it.
On the same day when New Zealand scored 11 tries against Italy and Australia 10 tries in the one half against Japan - our brave lads subbornly refused to join in the try scoring orgy and only got 3 against the USA. So no bonus point there then - brilliant.
Actually, I think they are getting worse. The running in the backs would have disgraced any side from Hampshire League 4. The are too flat, not hitting the ball with pace and clearly have never trained with Olly Barkley before.
How else can you explain their refusal to follow any of his breaks. Olly was the one bright spark in the backs. I don't know which match Stuart Barnes was watching, but again he was praising Lewsey to the skies for his ability to run very fast and very hard into the nearest opposition player. Brilliant, but no tries that way either. Cueto looks confused, and the centres just inept. Catt is clearly too slow to cut it at international level and if he is solely there for his ability to launch the backline, consider him a dud.
We may have a chance next week but it may be found somewhere between slim and no chance.

England expects

Another new beginning? I think we can all agree that the pack looks tasty and a match to any other side but this evening's match is all about the backs.
England have to show they can score tries out wide and that the centres can a) pass, b) break the line, and then c) link with support.
We know they will win tonight, but can they give the South Africans something to think about in the build up to next week's big game?
The back row looks balanced (are you taking notes Andy Robinson?) and as club mates should know each other's games.
Other points to look for:

• will Sean Perry's form continue?
• is Olly the new Jonny? probably not but he's better than the current Jonny.
• will Lawrence be able to stop talking to the ref?
• how many times will Jason get the ball? My guess is about 5 with 2 tries.
• will Josh Lewsey remember to stop running into people and go for the space instead?

All soon to be revealed. Oh, and in other matches today, the Wobblies and Kiwis will win. But wouldn't it be fascinating if Italy and Scotland only put out 2nd teams against the Blacks, who then went into the quarters without having faced a proper team?

Frogs in Merde

Not a new recipe but the position the hosts find themselves over their croissants this morning. A stuttering forced performance last night and a deserved loss. Now they face having to thump Ireland and hope Ireland defeat Agentina to avoid playing New Zealand in Cardiff (!!!!) in the quarters. Any way you look at it, this is not the scenario the French management had in mind and they look in deepest poo from here on in.
Meanwhile, in the Argy camp all must be smelling of roses. The schedule was unkind to them, their next game is against Georgia on Tuesday, which didn't leave enough time to have properly celebrated a great victory last night. Shame because they deserved it.
Unlike my prediction, they managed to keep their tempers in check and played with a commitment and united passion which shold have brought a greater victory. France only came close once with a rolling maul in the second half, and once that was checked, les Bleus looked clueless.
Over in Camp Paddy, I imagine the sphincters were tightening as the match went on. One of the big 3 in this pool was always going home, but now, it doesn't look like its going to be the Argies!

RWC 2007

Well, fellow rugby fans, just a few short hours to go before the Frogs take on the Argies and kick off Le Party de Rugby.

I am sure we all have our own hopes for the tournament. As this is a site for English fans I hope you have all been praying hard. Jonny is out for 3-6 weeks. If it's the latter, what's the point, send him back to Newcastle now and let's get some positive thinking going. If it's only 3 weeks, can he get his place back? After all that stuttering in Marseilles, he wasn't exactly on top form.

Anyroad, I will preview the English game tomorrow, but today we have the real pleasure of seeing the hosts against the chevals noirs of the tournament.

We can expect to see lots of scrums, something the Hooker in all of us can enjoy. Will we see a straight put-in? I doubt it, but with luck a bit of gouging, some punches thrown and allround biff from two sides well versed in the Dark Arts of rugby.

Will Chabal get off the back of his waltzer and make an appearance? Will Dominici be the hero or complete prat this evening? Nobody knows, least of all him.

Will the Argies keep their tempers and discipline under provocation. Personally I hope not, not just for the spectacle, but also because we need France to progress to the semis to give the tournament a lift.

Remember too that the Argy coach, Loffreda, will be appearing at Leicester once the tournament is over, so we can expect similar high standards from the Tigers from October onwards.

Lastly, let's just enjoy a whole-hearted red blooded game without the need to cover our eyes in case Jonny cops one, or Grewcock gets sent off!